Current mood:

sad

I'll probably regret this but since I regret everything I do all ready, why not?

Every now and then I go though cycles of dreams about a better life. These dreams are usually so vivid that I really hate waking up.

Well, anyway... here goes.

So my wife and I are enjoying a walk outside in a city park. The leaves are turning orange and people are out enjoying one of the last warm nice days before winter starts to blow in. We are holding hands and I'm listening to her talk about her work since it's much more interesting than mine. After a bit, she tells me she wants to tell me something important... she is pregnant. I am so happy I might explode. We haven't really been trying to get pregnant but we have definitely been practicing a lot lately. I look my wife in the face and see the mother of my children and the years stretching out before us.

And then I realize that it can't be real. I didn't kiss her that night a few years ago. I was a big chicken and let that moment slip away between us. We never happened. That's when I woke up.

I can close my eyes and still see her radiant face, so happy to be with me and to be the mother of my child.

I don't really know the significance of this dream, I've come to terms with being incapable of expressing love due to my absolute terror of being rejected. I know I have fucked up more than one possibly happy moment of my life because of my anxieties.

I guess no matter how hard I try, I can not quite stamp out irrational hope. I will always let my contrary nature to break everything nice in my life, since I lack willingness to trust.




Damn, I'm maudlin. I'll see about finding a cute puppy picture or something to take the edge of this post. In a bit. I'm really drained right now.

Edited for comfort!